So I guess everybody who isn’t living under a rock, or holed up in a compound in Pakistan without Telephone or Internet, has heard the news that Judgement Day (not the Schwarzenegger flick) is scheduled for this Saturday, May 21, 2011, at approximately 6pm.
Yeah, I know … Sounds like a dodgy proposition to me too, but this Christian radio broadcaster named Harold Camping has proclaimed it to be so, and seems to have a lot of folks convinced. Well, not everyone (see the attached video), but enough that he’s been making a tidy living prophesying the end of the World for decades, and he says it’s gonna’ happen this coming Saturday.
Now, I should probably mention that Camping has prophesied the end of the World before…You see, we were all originally supposed to meet our maker in 1994. Camping has said that he goofed up, and after further study and immersion in the Bible he realized that he missed a decimal place or something. You know, shit happens in the prophecy business.
Campings followers are disposing of their property, sending him cash, and getting ready to be taken up into the sky on Saturday evening. Some are even making provisions for their pets after their departure, by taking out insurance with a group run by a bunch of atheists who are selling after-Rapture pet care (and why the hell didn’t I get into this game, I could have probably funded at least half-a-dozen web series by now…)
If you’re thinking this guy is nuttier than a Snickers Bar, and not packing your bags nor selling your clothes just yet, understandable … however … That is no reason to be unprepared for a potential Rapture this weekend, and the possible consequences of a Zombie Apocalypse thereafter.
As a service to our readers, I’m providing a few helpful tips for Rapture/Post Apocalyptic Preparedness as well as some local Bay Area events for the weekend so you can get out there and have one last good time (in the off chance that the World does turn into a flaming, zombiefied, pit of despair on Sunday morning.)
- Watch Zombieland again, and learn the Rules (It may be too late for rule #1, but rule #2 can still save your ass.)
- Read the Zombie Apocalypse Preparedness Guide recently published by the Centers for Disease Control (and, BTW, I’ve got some serious questions about just how these guys are spending my tax dollars … Comedy or not.)
- Stock up on necessary earthquake survival supplies … You know, the essentials: Single-malt scotch, Tequila, limes, chips, salsa, one large fire axe, and a 12-gauge shotgun (see Rule #2)
Now, in case of Rapture, you may find yourself faced with oncoming traffic from a driverless vehicle. Should you wind up in this situation GET THE HELL OUT OF THE WAY. (Obvious’d.)
Okay, so now you’re prepared. You’ve got all your supplies, you’ve read up on everything you need to know should the worst case occur, so what now? Sit around the house and wait for nothing to happen? Shit no. Go out and live it up … Summer’s pretty much here, and the Bay Area is buzzing with things to do:
- Go hit the annual Maker Faire in San Mateo (Saturday and Sunday)
This is a big event every year with crafters, inventors, and DIY’ers of all kinds showing up to show off their stuffz. They offer a two-day pass for the Faire, but if you’re concerned about not being able to make Sunday due to being spirited to your eternal reward (making it the “Going to meet your Maker Faire”), buy the one-day pass to be on the safe side.
- Hit the Big Wow! Comicfest at the San Jose Convention Center (Saturday and Sunday)
This is a huge show with a lot of artists and celebrities scheduled to show up this year. Chances of this crowd getting Raptured are slim, and if you do find yourself turned into one of the Walking Dead on Sunday, fear not … Everyone will think you’re just another cosplayer … Just watch out for people who have prepared with item 3 above.
- Go to the big Rapture Party in Oakland (Oakland Masonic Center, Saturday Night)
The Atheists (and I didn’t realize they were an organized denomination) are having a big Rapture shindig at Live Oak Masonic Lodge in Oakland on Saturday night. (The conspiracy theorists are going to love that…)
- See the Bay Area Derby Girls present The Golden Apocalypse (Saturday, Craneway Pavillion, Richmond)
The B.A.D. Girls Roller Derby League is putting on a bout with their All-Stars versus The Rocky Mountain Fight Club. What more can I say? Buffed chicks on skates beating the crap out of each other … If the World is coming to an end, what better way to go out? Not to mention that if you’re going to find yourself in a dustup with some Zombies, these are the kinda’ women you want to be hanging with.
These are just a few of your options … Facebook pages are springing-up by the hour offering events, both real and farcical, in “honor” of the event. Whatever you do, whether you wake up on Sunday in Heaven, the torched and tortured remains of a devastated earth, or at home in bed with the Mother of All Hangovers, just remember Zombieland Rule #32 … Enjoy the little things. 😉